It's my custom to not talk about personal things here. I mean, I hope I get kind of deep sometimes and I'll sometimes talk about places where I have gone, but that's about it. Still, it's a blog, right, and blogs can have a lot of personal things in them. And facts are just facts, personal or not.
So the truth of what has been perhaps very obviously between the lines of my words lately is that I have been trying to figure out life after a break up. It's hard when you give someone your heart and they give it back. You can alternate between not ever wanting to give your heart again and desperately wanting to give your heart again. It's hard.
It's hard to feel beautiful after rejection. It's hard to know that, someday, someone will stay with you. It's hard to remind yourself that, while there are times when you certainly do want someone, there are plenty of things you enjoy doing on your own, too.
I don't play games. Anyone who has ever tried flirting with me has probably thought I was acting all high-above-them-not-interested when in fact I legitimately never noticed. Boldness doesn't come naturally to me, but honesty does--so I don't understand the flirting games, nor do I notice them.
At least, I never did before. Now I tell myself that the person I talked to today was just being personable and conversational and professionally friendly. Except that can I deny that there was a hint of interest, too?
Maybe it's because I never saw myself as someone that a person would flirt with. But am I not young and beautiful and smart and artsy and unique and intriguing? Do none of those things come across in the slightest that someone might show a hint of interest?
My point is, it was nice. It was nice to know that rejection doesn't mean I have no value. And no, I'm not saying that one's value is defined by another person's romantic interest in you--of course not. But it's nice to know that someone can think of you that way, that someone will think of you that way, someday. It's nice to know that the visible image of you is a pleasant one, not one held back by all the flaws you see in yourself. Maybe I'm not as broken as I think.
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